It's Food Allergy Awareness Month!
May is food allergy awareness month, so it's only fitting that today's post is about just that.
I feel lucky that my kiddos are food allergy free. More than half of the families that I routinely spend time with have a child with some kind of food allergy. If that is the case for me, then I bet that you've got a friend or two in your circle that is dealing with kiddos with food allergies too.
Today I'm honored to have a mom I highly respect share her story and a few things to keep in mind when you interact with a kiddo who has food allergies. Liz is a mom of two sweet boys, one of whom happens to have some pretty severe allergies to some really common foods. Below she shares a little about what that's like and what she wants you to keep in mind when you inevitably encounter a kiddo who suffers from food allergies.
Allergies. We all have them in some form or another: dogs, cats, a variety of pollens. It's our
body's response to a perceived intruder as a way to try to remove it from your system. In my
family, our allergy happens to be food. My almost 3 year old son was diagnosed with life
threatening food allergies when he was only 9 months old. He is severely allergic to dairy, eggs,
peanuts, tree nuts, and oats and the only way to prevent a reaction is to avoid these foods
entirely. Not only is he unable to eat them, but in several cases it means he cannot touch or even
breathe in these foods.
When we inform others that our son has severe food allergies, they initially react in exactly the same way. They have a look of shock on their faces, they hesitate their words, and you can see them collecting their thoughts, unsure of what to say next. This happens to people of all ages and backgrounds and it’s understandable, because learning that a person can potentially die from a food that you love so dearly is a lot to process. The thing that differs in people’s reactions though, is how they proceed once they have had time to process that information. Most conversations go something like this:
Them: What is he allergic to?
Me: Dairy, eggs, peanuts, tree nuts and oats
Them: So he can’t eat ice cream? Not even a little?
Me: No ice cream. No cake or cookies or most baked goods either. Not even a drop.
They stare at me in disbelief and finally say, “Oh man that’s awful. So what CAN he eat??” as if baked goods and a glass of milk are the only foods they themselves ever eat.
I always do my best to answer politely and focus on all the wonderful foods he’s able to eat: meat, fruits, veggies, potatoes, beans, and grains. But I always find myself having to reassure them that his life isn’t really all that deprived and that he in fact does get some wonderful meals in his tummy each day. Ask him what his favorite food is and he will inevitably answer with an enthusiastic “STEAK!” or “BBQ!!” which truthfully isn’t too far off from what several of you might answer.
Recently though, I’ve been getting a new type of reaction to the news that my son has food allergies. There was a group gathering and somebody had a chocolate bunny leftover from Easter and she was breaking off pieces to share with the others. She asked my son if he would like a piece and I had to step in and decline for him because of his food allergies.
Her: He’s allergic to chocolate?
Me: Not chocolate, but he’s allergic to milk, which is in the chocolate.
Her: What happens when he eats it?
Me: Well, if he touches the chocolate, or you touch him with chocolate on your hands, he will break out into a rash called hives. It’s very itchy and uncomfortable. If he accidentally eats some of it, he could get very sick and go into anaphylactic shock, which could cause his face, throat, and tongue to swell. He could start wheeze and have trouble breathing and we would have to give him an epipen and call an ambulance to get him to the hospital right away.
Her (almost instantly): Oh. Well then I should put this away and go wash my hands!
These two conversations are actual encounters I’ve had in the last week. The difference is that the defensive response came from an adult, and the kind and compassionate response came from a seven year old child.
As adults, many of us seem to have lost a bit of the natural compassion that we had as children. When we requested that our son’s classroom be a Nut-Free classroom (aka, no peanut butter sandwiches) a father from that class approached me and told me how inconvenient that was for him. Apparently his 1.5 year old adored a good PB & J and the thought of denying her that meal at lunch on weekdays was more than he could bear. Never mind that I had even provided each student in the class with a jar of a nut free “peanut butter” that they could try as a safe alternative. His defensive reaction took me by such surprise that I found myself apologizing to him rather than confidently defending the safety of my son. I’ve heard horror stories of fellow passengers on a flight not willing to put away their trail mix for the safety of another. One man was quoted saying “If it’s really that dangerous, just don’t fly.” As a parent of a food allergic child, I would like to counter this man by saying, “If you’re really that hungry, just eat something else.” Right? That doesn’t seem like too huge of a request if it could prevent somebody from being in a life threatening situation, does it? Why does asking somebody to temporarily change their food choice seem to offend so many adults? When did food become more important than a person?
As our son is getting older and starting to have more social encounters with other children, I’ve found that I’m having more direct conversations with children and not just their parents. Not once have I had a kid get defensive when I request that they not eat their Cheetos while they play with my son because cheese powder will get all over the things they touch and it might cause him to have a reaction. Kids don’t see it as an imposition against themselves, as if we’re trying to take away their precious snack food. They hear that another person might get sick or hurt if they eat that food around them, so without hesitation they stop. Children don’t seem to be burdened with animosity towards others. They have big hearts, and understanding minds and in an instant they are willing to help a fellow person, however odd the request for help might seem.
A person who suffers from severe food allergies is not asking you to put away your food as a way to inconvenience you. Instead, they are asking you to help them be safe. In most cases we are literally talking about life and death for that person. Not all situations are avoidable in life. People have to travel for work and fly on a plane, and children have to go to school. There are birthday parties and sporting events and holiday meals to celebrate. They cannot live in an allergy free bubble for their entire lives, so instead they have to fend for themselves the best way they can. That means a peanut allergic Little League player may ask you to please eat your peanuts away from the dugout, or a dairy allergic 4 year old may request that the classroom not allow Pirates Booty at the class party so she can avoid touching and breathing in cheese dust. Maybe you’ll need to change your famous mashed potato recipe to use vegan butter instead of real butter. But isn’t it worth it for that child to be included? It seems like such a small favor to ask so they too can enjoy the everyday treats you and I get to take for granted.
Of course, not every experience we’ve had with friends and family learning about his food allergies have been negative. A family we recently befriended invited us over for dinner one night. They were aware of his allergies, but I was planning to bring food from home for our son so they wouldn’t have to stress over what to cook for him. Before I got the chance to tell her my plan, she was already telling me about the ingredients of her meal and making sure what she was serving was safe for him. Another family invited my kids over for a morning play date. She had fruit and pastries for the kids and even went to the extra effort to bake some special muffins just for my son so he could have a treat too. All of this was an unexpected surprise that we never requested. To them it was a small gesture of giving, letting us know they support our limitations and are willing to help us in our journey. To us, it was a tear-inducing dream come true to find somebody who not only thought about his needs, but wanted him to be included the way they would want their own child to be included. Simply asking how they can accommodate his needs means more to our family than I can express.
My purpose for writing this is not to sound bitter about the cards life has dealt my son, or make you feel guilty for enjoying all the edible perks that life has to offer. But I do hope it can give you some perspective on how to react the next time you meet a person with food allergies, specifically a child. They say that currently 1 in 13 children today have food allergies. This means if you have young children, it’s likely that you will have a classmate someday who is affected by food allergies. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you meet these kids and their families and associate with them on a regular basis:
- Approach your conversation with compassion in mind rather than putting them on the defense. Understand that being unable to eat certain foods doesn’t make a person deprived. It’s just the way life is for them. You wouldn’t feel left out if a group of people were sitting down to a tall glass of bug spray to go with their dessert. It’s just not something you do in life, similar to how dairy milk isn’t something my son can enjoy.
Ask questions! We love questions and we know you have them, so please feel free to ask. Asking questions shows us that you’re aware of the situation and willing to put forth the effort to learn more about it. But please don’t focus on the CAN’Ts. Focus on the CANs. Ask, “What’s your favorite dessert?” instead of “So you can’t even eat ice cream or cake?”
Please don’t be offended if you explain to somebody all the steps you have taken to make their child safe, but they still deny attending your event. I promise we want to attend, but sometimes we just can’t. It’s unsafe for our son to visit an indoor party venue where they serve pizza and chips and cake. Kids eat their food and run off to play, leaving invisible fingerprints with food proteins behind, just waiting for my son to unknowingly touch. There are simply places he is unable to go, no matter the precautions taken.
On that note, please, please, please don’t assume that the parent of a food allergic child is being over protective or a bit neurotic about their child. Until you have witnessed your kid start to wheeze and break out in hives from simply entering a coffee shop and breathing in steamed milk, you won’t fully understand the sensitivity of a food allergy. And that’s ok. But please don’t whisper behind our backs about how we’re putting our child in a bubble. We can hear you. But what other option do we have?
Are you the Homeroom Parent or Team Mom? Ask the class if anybody has food allergies. If they do, maybe plan a Popsicle Party instead of an Ice Cream Social this year. Or pack some popcorn in the post-game snack bag instead of Doritos. It’s likely that the kids won’t even realize the switch and they might enjoy the excitement of getting their favorite color as the popsicles are being passed out.
Kids and adults with severe food allergies are able and encouraged to lead normal, social lives. My hope is that as my son gets older, things will become easier for us to navigate and he’ll be able to do more with friends without us having to worry about what foods might be present. To get to this point though, food allergy families need a little help from their community. Awareness is the first step to keeping these kids safe. Hopefully as more people become knowledgeable about the real impacts of food allergies, compassion and understanding will follow, just like the conversation I had with the little girl and the Easter chocolate. Once she realized the harm it could cause, she took the easy step of washing her hands with soap and water to help keep him safe and allow him to play with her and the rest of the kids on the block. It just takes one person who understands to make the day of somebody who can so easily be excluded. And just think, the more we look out for each other in a community, the more fun we can all have.
Be sure to leave some love for Liz down in the comments!