My Mother's Day Card Replacement
This morning I got to sleep in, all three kids were brought in for Mother's Day snuggles and then I got coffee and a cinnamon roll in bed by myself (a quiet breakfast and time to enjoy a cup of coffee before it needs to be reheated is heaven on earth for me). When I emerged from the bedroom the breakfast room table was covered in Mother's day goodies from the kids and from Alex.
Instead of a card, Alex opened his laptop to reveal a letter he had written from a fictitious "Motherhood Inc." It's just too good not to share.
Congratulations and Welcome!
We are so happy you have decided to join us here at Motherhood Inc. As you know, we are a large
organization but we always looking for new members.
By this point, you should have already received your ID. In case you have not, it is the possessive of your child’s first name followed by “mom”; For example, “Edie’s Mom”, “Augusts’ Mom”, “Leo’s Mom”, etcetera. We don’t stand on formality here and our member’s do not have the best memories, so you may also be referred to as “Oh heeey”!
Now then, when you get back to your desk, things should actually begin to look pretty familiar. It’s your house. That’s your desk. Your desk is your house. It comes with everything you need but, keep an eye out because supplies tend to run out exactly when you need them, and we do not stock extras of anything (except for bouncy balls. Those are everywhere).
During your first few days here, things are going to get a little weird. Your main task will be to have a blind and fussy, albeit adorable, tiny human suck ‘milk’ out of your body. You will also come into frequent contact with their ‘poo poo’ and their ‘pee pee’. Don’t worry though, chances are you will have a spouse or partner that will be able to help. They are not a part of our organization, however, and so we cannot attest to their abilities. Also, for awhile, and for purely scientific reason, you may “hate their face”.
Moving on, the weird stage will not last too long and your charge will soon begin their mobile exploration of your desk. This will be a challenging time because your charge will continually attempt hari-kari in the oddest of locations and circumstances. This is normal. Just do your best.
At this point, you may also find the need to reach out more frequently to other members of our organization and they are happy to hear from you! Desk meetings are encouraged, as they do not require anyone to alter their appearance. You may, at times, however, find it difficult to see another member face-to-face. In this case, please take advantage of our free indirect communication network, Instagram®. This is a great service and is the next best thing to seeing your co-workers because it shows them and their desks exactly how they always look, at any time, and in all kinds of lighting. It’s also a great way to measure your performance within the organization!
Some of you may choose to take on a leadership role and agree to an additional charge, at which point new members may ask you for advice on all sorts of topics. On such occasions, it is expected you smile knowingly and dispense verbal pats on the head while your two charges attempt to kill each other, themselves, or both.
Having two charges will actually take some of the pressure off of you. You can have charge 1 look after charge 2; you can force both charges to play with each-other; you can motivate charge 1 by asking them to be more like charge 2 and vice versa. It’s great.
Now, at this point you may be wondering, “when do I go to the bathroom?”
Moving on, some of you will take on the additional responsibility of a third charge. This is thrilling because it means that the first two worked out great! Or they were the same gender! Either, way . . . slow clap for you. That being said, most people will assume you accidentally had intercourse with your spouse or partner and will ask you directly if that is the case. Upon answering this question, many of our members choose to demurely respond that charge 3 was indeed ‘on purpose’. However, feel free to quiver your lip, respond ‘yes’! and break down in tears. They deserve a bit of awkwardness for such a question and YOU deserve a little fun.
It should be noted that some members choose to name their charges. We find this helpful for identification purposes, bonding, self-confidence, and so on and so forth. In the past, names were fairly traditional and often Biblical in nature. However, if you have chosen to join our organization recently you are in luck because now you can name your charges anything you want! Seriously, you can name them anything.
There is a lot more we could cover, but they best way to learn is by doing. So get in there! It will be difficult, of course. You will be shocked at how many questions to which you apparently are unable to say “I don’t know” (this really is odd because it seems like if we answered “I don’t know to the first fifteen questions they would just give up). But, just remember. We’re here for you while you do the most important job in the world.
See you at the mixer!
I mean, my husband gets me. I hope all you moms out there enjoyed it as much as I did!